It is that time of year when most of us search for the “perfect” gift to give our loved ones. I, however, gave that up some years ago. When I was young, holiday gift-giving was a hassle-filled, anxiety-provoking obligation that often ended with tears of disappointment and a return trip to the store. So, I decided I wasn’t going to do that to myself or pressure those I cared for to reciprocate. (However, I do give impromptu gifts when inspired.) Why is finding just the right gift so hard?
What Gifts Say About Relationships
To find that exquisite gift requires a deep understanding of the other person. You need to really know them–what they value, what they like and dislike, how they spend their time, what brings them joy, etc. When you can step into the other person’s shoes and shop from their perspective, that “perfect” gift is often revealed. And we know when we hit or missed the mark by how the gift is received. Unfortunately, my dad frequently missed the mark, as the following experience illustrates.
My mom loved jewelry. One holiday she had made many not-so-subtle hints that she wanted diamond earrings. On Christmas morning that year, she excitedly unwrapped the small box that was just the right size to hold her wished-for jewels. Upon taking the top of the box off, she indeed found earrings twinkling back at her, but they were not diamonds. Oh, how I remember that was a very sad day.
Most of us have received unwanted or inappropriate gifts. I find that these gifts are often the result of the gift-giver making assumptions about me and what I need. I can’t say that was my dad’s excuse, and I will never know why he gave my mom the item she wanted but not with the right stone. Looking back and putting myself in my mom’s position, I can imagine her profound dismay. Not only did she fail to receive the jewelry she wanted, but the inaccurate gift also emphasized a disconnect between her and her husband.
The “Perfect” Gift Validates Us
When we receive that “perfect” gift, we feel authentically seen, validated, cared for, heard, and appreciated. Upon opening the wrapped prize, we may joyfully think, “This person gets me!” And that is one of the best feelings in the world. Consequently, when you are given a gift that hits or exceeds the mark, you realize that you are not alone, that your life is being witnessed and prioritized by another person. The following story, which I heard some time ago, highlights how critical this is for us.
As I recall the story, young children were asked, if they could be something or someone else, what would they choose? The answer one boy gave still stays with me. He said, I’d want to be an iPhone–because he had observed that his mother paid a lot of attention to this device. Every time it sounded, she would interrupt whatever she was doing to quickly pick it up to talk, check, or respond to the notification. She always kept the iPhone with her, took good care of it, and had a close relationship with it.
Do you feel as important as another person’s iPhone? I know sometimes I don’t, and I resent the screen that separates us.
The Gift of Presence
That little boy and your loved ones want to feel valued, loved, and significant. Therefore, successfully eliciting these emotions in others is the “perfect” gift. So, now that you understand what you are truly giving, you can reconsider the form of that gift by answering the following questions: Does validating another person have to come in a box? Can you see and appreciate someone without providing material goods? Isn’t your presence a present in itself?
Reflecting on the questions above makes us realize that the “perfect” gift is often immaterial. Rather, the “perfect” gift is being in the company of someone who makes us feel special, heard, important, seen . . . Consider this: you meet a friend for coffee over the holidays and exchange gifts. Is the gift the physical item you receive, or is it actually the time and conversation you share with your friend?
Your presence is the present. What your loved ones want this season most of all is to be with you and celebrate together. And it’s easier to do that you might think. Below are a few ideas on how to give the present of your presence this holiday. As you might guess from the story above, you’ll want to put the phones and screens away to allow for genuine connection when giving your presence.
Presence Gift Ideas
- Assist with cooking and discuss family food traditions or make new ones
- Visit a neighborhood park or local botanical garden
- Gather as the sun rises or sets to marvel at the natural beauty
- Play games–bring out the cards, board games, puzzles . . .
- Listen deeply to understand, not merely to respond during conversations
- Eat together at a frequented restaurant, bakery, or cafe and share memories
- Host a family dance party–crank up your favorite tunes and move it!
- Make s’mores around a warm fire
- Take a group walk together and make sure to talk with everyone
- Share photos and stories from the past year
- Sit quietly with one another, making yourself available if they want to connect
- Be tourists together in your town–visit a local landmark, museum, historical site, etc.
Summary
Take the stress out of gift-giving this year by offering your focused presence to friends and family. Instead of shopping for the “perfect” physical gift, know that being there is your present. It provides all of the qualities of the best gift–validation, kindness, appreciation, and more.
May your holidays be filled with loving connections.
